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Monthly Archives: May 2009

Captain Spaceship

“We canna do it, Cap’n!” slurs Lieutenant Rascal (junior grade). “If we leverage any harder, we’ll be unable to capitalize on foregoing objective strategies while remaining mobile in the new marketscape!”

“I need that in English, dammit,” says Captain Spaceship.

“We’re running out of shareholder value and we dinna why!” Rascal’s desperately sweaty on the viewscreen. Behind him, shirtless sublieutenants shovel wads of green paper into the roaring engine.

“Dammit!” says Captain Spaceship. “You’ve got to reduce costs!”

“Aye-aye,” says Rascal. Some of the sublieutenants have already begun whanging other sublieutenants over the head and heaving them into the fire.

Proserpina

“Mrs. Macnair!” says the hotelier smoothly. “Do you require assistance?”

“I want to know what my daughter is doing here with these–people.”

“Mother!” says Proserpina.

“I thought I’d ride the train out early and take you shopping for summer clothes,” says Mrs. Macnair. “Now I find you not only out of school, but in disreputable company!”

“This is important!” says Proserpina. “My teacher–”

Her mother’s grip on her shoulder is sudden and tight. “That’s enough, young lady.”

“Proserpina?” says Elijah.

Proserpina has frozen, face white, just a fourteen-year-old girl remembering: this is the woman who broke my arm.

The Show

PREVIOUSLY, ON ANACRUSIMATIDIA:

“I can’t believe it,” says Duane, awestruck in voiceover, as we see a girl looking shifty and ducking out of school. “Annista said she’d go to the dance with me!”

Cut to two kids in baggy jeans. “Ain’t nothin’ to do when you’re from the wrong side of the tracks,” says one.

But Emilio looks determined. “Then maybe we’ll bring the tracks to them!”

Fade out on the mysterious dude from East High, watching it all…

AND NOW TONIGHT’S EPISODE

“Looks like this year’s prom theme,” says the detective grimly, “was knives… in white stabbin’.

NEXT TIME, ON

Lucinda

“Hearken,” says Lucinda’s chorus, “his arrival is a moonrise o’er this long fog-clad night!”

“Mind if I sit?” he says, and his eyes dance with irony.

“Nope,” she says, and nods to the only seat at the bar (her chorus is occupying the rest of them).

“So that,” he says, later, whiskily besoured, “is how I got out of the maze.”

She lets her smile turn a little wicked. “Listen. You want to maybe get something to go?”

“Sure,” he says smoothly. “Your place or yours?”

Lucinda laughs.

“Yeah, he’s married,” says her chorus.

“Oh,” she sighs.

“What?” he says.

The Thin One

“My body is hollow, my head is taut.
Beat me, I thunder; touch me, I stop.
What am I?”

“A baby,” snaps the Thin One, “my turn at the conch.” He grabs it from the Fat One’s hands, holds it to his ear and giggles.

“Ask me, I reveal nothing;
Answer me, I reveal all.
What am I?”

“A door,” says the Fat One.

“Your turn,” says the Thin One sourly.

The Fat One shoves his hand in his pocket.

“Not the pocket again!” wails the Thin One.

Within it, the Fat One strokes the lone eye they have between them.

Proserpina

“She smells like the shade of death,” says the hotelier. He jerks his head at Elijah. “We won’t have them here either. Try the flophouse at Oaks.”

“This woman is ill,” Proserpina says again. “If you’ll give her a meal, a bath and a room you’ll be compensated tomorrow.”

“You should get back, dear,” mumbles Miss Havisham, barely standing. “It’s time for class.”

“Didn’t think we even had any opium dens here,” the hotelier sniffs. “Much less with trollops.”

“I will ask once more.” Her fist tightens, and–

“Proserpina,” says her mother, in the doorway. “What on earth are you doing?”

Stephanie Long

Last year the Stone City Thunders went two for five in the quarterfinals against the Richmond Roar, during which series the Roar temporarily stole Carol Tolliver (#41) via contract loophole. So when the Thunders beat them in early season play, it’s a good excuse for a party.

Stephanie Long actually attended the home bout this time. Standing in the box with her graph-paper score pad reminded her of watching games with her mother, and therefore she finds herself gliding into a corner on vodka skates.

“Hi,” says the person there, above the music.

“Hi, Lucie Corner (#30),” says Stephanie Long.

Jacobin

There are only six Druids of the Twelfth Level and you have to kill one to take his place on the ruling council. Jacobin’s hands are sweaty on his staff.

“Dare you challenge me?” roars Alhazrul. “Mine is the wolfpack, hunters of men!”

“I, Llendir, command thunder–the voice of the storm!”

“Regaranel! Lord over rocky beaches!”

“Esbo! Certain species of frog!”

“Mytiliath! King of protista!”

Zand doesn’t say anything, because he’s asleep.

“I challenge–” Jacobin hesitates, and readies his Spell of Poky Thistles. “Llendir!”

And he totally wins, because thunder doesn’t do all that much when you think about it.

Arlene

Invisible dinosaur spies can be anywhere at any time and their long necks make it easy to look and listen through your third-story window. This is important.

If the man behind this particular window knew about them, he might choose better words than “you cheated me, and you cheated on me, Arlene! That means you cheated more!

“Cheating is cheating, you asshole!”

“I wish I hadn’t worn a condom!”

“Well I wish I’d never even stolen Daddy’s launch codes for you!”

Outside, an unseen sauropod starts to relay this to HQ, but even five hundred liters of heart aren’t enough.

Tananarive

They look at the table askance.

“I sort of want to read the flap copy,” says Tananarive.

“Aren’t you afraid that would unleash it?” says Rawley. “Or possibly instill it?”

There are eight stacks of the same book on clearance, entitled The Riker Within. Somebody has arranged them at different heights to make it look as if they’re going fast. The effect is unconvincing.

“Maybe it introduces him,” says Tananarive. “Via penetration?”

“Or it’s a guide to rooting him out–”

“I don’t like what that implies about me!”

From the lower right quadrant of eight glossy covers, Jonathan Frakes beams up.