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Marla

Marla’s got the evening on a choke chain and autumn’s arm behind its back. The leaves are strangling on their branches, bruising brown and yellow. The sun’s flush with wallowed rage.

Campus: Latin for field, more specifically of battle. What did Caesar have that college doesn’t? Columns, lust and gluttony, blood on the grass and a knife in his back.

She’s knocking on the door now, tape tight around her knuckles. The Romans liked bloodsport, too. She’s ancient and aquiline, eyes blank as marble; she’s waiting for the Emperor’s thumb to turn. Marla’s no sadist. Pain isn’t pleasure: pain is pain.

Sargok

The Deep Ones go on a road trip!

“KAAAK!” croaks Magoth, pumping his arm out the driver’s side window.

“KROOOKOKOK!” shouts Digrak, as he slams the hatchback door.

“KAARG!” says Mundr, who brought snacks.

“ROAD TRIP!” hoots Sargok.

Pretty soon they figure out that the van doesn’t work in the nameless depths of G’ll-Hoo, so they try hitching. A passing rogue Cold War sub crewed by zombies agrees to take them most of the way to Malg Ur-hrn.

“YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME,” says Sargok, drunk on hideous liqueurs.

“когда вы будете делать нам минет?” says the zombie captain, impatiently.

Lore

Aspects of Bowling

Apparently the first rating. It’s solid! Also uses the obvious “four long ratings, then a short one” punchline format and then discards it pretty much for good. B

Superfriends

But then this is the third one. Weak. Did the Internet really need another Aquaman dig, even back in 1943 or whatever? D+

Angelic Orders, Part I

Features a divine low-rider contest and four-faced mutant valentines. Classic! Mildly docked for featuring only four blurbs and a typo right at the end. A-

References From Last Week’s Ratings

Oh, you already… you already did this. Sort of.

C

How the Rogue Cold War Sub Ended Up Being Crewed by Zombies

Pretty much the usual way. Ensign Prozski reported for duty pale and sweating, and once they’d voted to defect and smashed the radio, it wasn’t like they could request a medevac. Within a couple days their little pressure chamber had yielded to the inevitable mathematics of infection.

Funny thing about nuclear subs: not only can they run silent and deep for decades, they can sneak in a mutation or two while doing so–even in viral DNA. Prozski and his comrades retain awareness and volition. They just get used to being a little peckish, speaking Russian, and cruising for amphibious sex.

Sam

Sam gets run over and suddenly it’s 1973! Aww crap!

He gets used to it: the brutality, the petty corruption, the little girl and her creepy clown doll. He gets these awesome chops and a bomber jacket and a muscle car just right out of Hell.

Later he wakes up and man, I guess he was in a coma? But the present is all “professional” and “meetingy” and “blue camera filtered” so he kills himself right back to the Seventies.

“Turns out being a florist in 1973 is perfect!” he tells his boss.

“Go beat up those orchids,” his boss grunts.

Dagmar

The dreamcatcher works so well for Dagmar and Hesse that they buy a mailcatcher, a friendcatcher, a flycatcher and a discussioncatcher too. (The flycatcher is just one of those unrolled sticky things; they call it that for symmetry.)

Life gets a lot smoother. Too smooth, in fact.

“Dag,” says Hesse carefully one day. “Ever get the impression that we can’t actually… talk about those?” He waves toward them.

“Because of the dis–the disc–” She can’t quite name it.

“Yeah.”

“Um.” She bites her fingernail. “Should we take it down?”

“Mmf mmfff!” agrees Rondo, from the cotton web outside their door.

Narrative

Dream logic is the enemy of narrative, but on Christmas Day they declare an armistice and share cigarettes across the front.

“This all began before we were born,” says narrative. “Back at the rise of primordial consciousness, with the need to differentiate the honest memory of your senses from random neural noise. It had to come to war eventually. And when it finally hits its bloody climax, what will that mean for you and me?”

“Hey!” says dream logic narrowly. “Weren’t you my mom a second ago?”

“Well, that’s a funny story,” chuckles narrative, and takes a long drag to begin.

Young Lennie Briscoe

Young Lennie Briscoe hasn’t mastered the trick of looming yet: he gangles, and doesn’t seem to know what to do with his nose.

He’s back from Vietnam (his first tour–he’ll get another) and parking cars at the Atwater for half-dollar tips. Then one Sunday nobody comes in to pick up this ’57 El Dorado, a beauty with a bit of a smell about her. Nothing in the glove; they pop the trunk to check for ID, and–

“Oh my God!” gasps Lennie’s boss, dropping the keys. “A body!”

“Like I never heard that one before,” Young Lennie Briscoe quips.

Kensington

Skittish investors scurry for relative safety when Kensington turns on the kitchen light, but she’s quick and manages to catch a couple of them by their tails.

“I knew it!” she says. “I’m going to have to call in the exterminators, aren’t I?”

“oh noes,” squeaks one of them.

“listen ok there is another solution 2 this,” chirps his dangling friend.

“Really? I’m not sure I want to hear it.”

“we can has capital infusion kplzthx”

Kensington shakes her head very slowly and marches off to flush them.

Later, the rest of them burn her house down while they’re still inside.

Inigo, Imago, Lonago and Gad

Once upon a time there were four princes: Imago, Inigo, Lonago and Gad. Imago was swift; Inigo, strong. Lonago could sing down the wind in a high, clear voice like a violin.

The brothers learned to hunt and sail, the declension of Latin and to declaim in Greek. They cared for the people; the people thought them fine.

When they were twenty-three, twenty-one and eighteen respectively, Imago, Inigo and Lonago rode to the corners of the kingdom to seek wisdom and return as men.

Gad stayed home to actually run the castle.

This story has little concern for Gad.