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Mission

It’s hot in the apartment, so Mission works shirtless all afternoon, and forgets about lunch. For reasons that cannot possibly be determined, around five o’clock, he becomes hungry.

BEGIN MISSION: SANDWICH

Mission goes to the kitchen. In the process of spreading mayonnaise on bread, he notices his reflection in the microwave door. He makes a muscle in the reflection.

Yes.

He’s almost finished his preparations when he comes upon the pickle jar, which has been sticking. Mission picks it up.

He flexes his muscle.

The pickle jar opens!

Yes.

Mission puts it away and eats a delicious sandwich.

MISSION STATUS: AWESOME

Hawthorne

The laser/dinosaur-based phone tree proves unreliable.

“Look, just fire your dorsal blasters at the styracosaur and the edmontonia,” Hawthorne says. “Then they bounce lasers off the pteranodons! A very simple relay!” The diplodocus gronks in wild panic. Senji has to drag him out from under its feet.

“Walnut-brain!” Hawthorne shouts.

“Have you considered that maybe–” Senji begins.

“Yes, yes, they’re anachronistic. The pachy’s firing at a dimetrodon, for heaven’s sake! That’s what I get for going through a third party.”

“–you should just use phones?

“Less awesomeness per dollar,” sniffs Hawthorne, as the diplodocus takes out a bus.

The Minotaurs

Having a second, younger minotaur around is a distinct embarrassment for Minos.

So the old maze-builder upgrades the basement: its walls shift now, its floors sink and elevate, and it’s largely impervious to yarn-based attacks. The guards prod its new inhabitant in and lock the gate.

He gets to the center eventually (put your shoulder to the wall and walk). He and his brother stare at each other in the dimness.

“Hey,” says the junior minotaur.

“Hey,” says the senior.

“I’ve got a plan,” says the junior, and lifts his smock to reveal the labyrinth tattooed on his back.

Duncan

Membership in the Differently Voiced used to just get you snickered at, until three different members at three different hospitals predicted the Buenos Aires crash and people got spooked. There’s less snickering now. More suspicion.

“Do you think the voting public is ready for an openly schizophrenic candidate?”

“That’s pejorative,” says Duncan, “and shouldn’t you be asking the voting public that?”

“He has laid traps for you,” warns Temperance in his head.

“I know,” says Duncan.

“Let him burn,” hisses the Queen of Swords.

“What?” says the reporter.

The rest of his chorus, as usual, just laughs and laughs and laughs.

Proserpina

Two trunks from school, full of socks and Greek tragedy. Proserpina owns very little. Train to the station, carriage to the dock. Tension at the gate, checking tickets; Madeleine Havisham is, after all, a wanted woman.

But no. Above the ramp, clouds are gathering. Proserpina catches an upside-down headline under someone’s arm: EXCLUSIVE! ABDUCTION, ABUSE AT ST SEBASTIAN SANITARIUM. Iala told her father after all.

The great ship casts off with a bellow. Proserpina stands at the rail, watching her mother dwindle. People begin to murmur and gasp around her as, from the darkening May sky, snow begins to fall.

Valencia

Valencia’s trying to hold to the present but Annalee’s blood sat just keeps dropping. “Sixteen,” says the EMT, “fifteen five, fourteen,” and the world jerks like film reversing.

“Shit,” says Valencia, six years in the future.

“What?” asks Annalee. They’re in their cubicle at the Center, results scrolling down the screen like every day.

“This doesn’t mean anything.” Valencia’s shaking. “Just because you’re alive here doesn’t mean you survived back then.”

Annalee’s eyes widen. “So it was already happening to you!”

“I promise to admit it,” says Valencia, “if you wake up,” and counts down to the kickback, fourteen, thirteen, twelve.

Grumpy Tim Coe

Grumpy Tim Coe pulls the magnet off the vacuum jar, and within, the hammer and the feather hit the floor together.

“Clearly,” explains a scientist, “the absence of air makes the feather want to fall.”

Another scientist frowns. “What if it’s an aetheric issue? If we should replace the feather with a hollow sphere–”

“Not possible,” clucks the third scientist. “You clearly have no background in animistic suicides.”

“But–”

“No need to be ashamed!” chuckles the fourth scientist. “Some people are smarter than others.”

Grumpy Tim Coe puts the magnet on the jar again, but the feather won’t come back up.

Ethelbert

At a certain point in a day spent at the Cheerful Springs outdoor mall, one begins to view conditioned air as treasure: a pale and liquid leprechaun gold, one that cruelly evaporates beyond the confines of PetSmart or Home Delights. Ethelbert cannot simply stay in one store, of course. They’d chase him out even if his prey weren’t on the wing.

There is no breeze at Cheerful Springs.

Ethelbert stalks its boundaries, brain thick with heat and hunger, having long ago given up on hope of a map. It’s here, somewhere, trundling along in its innocence. He’ll find it. He’ll feast.

Debbie

“You can’t remember your son’s name?” says Lilac.

“No!” says Debbie. “It’s great.

“You need to go to the doctor.”

“You need to understand. I’ve been wanting this for so long, Lil. I burn dinner all the time, I can never find my car in the parking lot–I keep losing track of the year. I love it when that happens.”

“There are treatments, Debbie!” Lilac is trying to maintain eye contact; it feels like that must be important.

“I don’t want them,” says Debbie, and in her great dark pupils is the exhilaration, the need for a world without regrets.

Proserpina

The Lees’ rooms are small and bright. Madeleine Havisham is not large, but she barely fits on Elijah’s mother’s little mattress, curled up with a hand at her mouth.

“Thank you for this,” says Proserpina.

Elijah says nothing.

“She can’t stay here,” says Proserpina. “They’d just–I’ve talked Mr. Buchanan into taking her on as my tutor. On the steamer with us. I think she’ll accept.”

“Don’t you,” says Elijah, and his voice shakes. “Don’t you need a porter? Me fetch carry very good, Miss Lady. Only two dollar–”

“Elijah,” she whispers, and tries to kiss him. His lips are cold.