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Dacelo

Half a world and twelve hours away, another crank is turning on a reel of film, this one crisp and virginal.

“Speed,” says the nervous cameraman, “I think.”

“Cue!” shouts the director. Then: “Go!”

“Is that for me?” asks the chapped and holstered bushranger, squinting dawnward. His voice is squeaky, but his face is all stone and leather.

“Yes! I cued you!”

“But last time you said ‘start.'”

The director’s neck veins pop. “I’m sorry. What word would you like to settle on?”

“You could try ‘action,'” mumbles Dacelo, perched on an apple box in trousers too nice for this dust.

Sam

Sam gets run over and suddenly it’s 1973! Aww crap!

He gets used to it: the brutality, the petty corruption, the little girl and her creepy clown doll. He gets these awesome chops and a bomber jacket and a muscle car just right out of Hell.

Later he wakes up and man, I guess he was in a coma? But the present is all “professional” and “meetingy” and “blue camera filtered” so he kills himself right back to the Seventies.

“Turns out being a florist in 1973 is perfect!” he tells his boss.

“Go beat up those orchids,” his boss grunts.

How the Rogue Cold War Sub Ended Up Being Crewed by Zombies

Pretty much the usual way. Ensign Prozski reported for duty pale and sweating, and once they’d voted to defect and smashed the radio, it wasn’t like they could request a medevac. Within a couple days their little pressure chamber had yielded to the inevitable mathematics of infection.

Funny thing about nuclear subs: not only can they run silent and deep for decades, they can sneak in a mutation or two while doing so–even in viral DNA. Prozski and his comrades retain awareness and volition. They just get used to being a little peckish, speaking Russian, and cruising for amphibious sex.

Lore

Aspects of Bowling

Apparently the first rating. It’s solid! Also uses the obvious “four long ratings, then a short one” punchline format and then discards it pretty much for good. B

Superfriends

But then this is the third one. Weak. Did the Internet really need another Aquaman dig, even back in 1943 or whatever? D+

Angelic Orders, Part I

Features a divine low-rider contest and four-faced mutant valentines. Classic! Mildly docked for featuring only four blurbs and a typo right at the end. A-

References From Last Week’s Ratings

Oh, you already… you already did this. Sort of.

C

Sargok

The Deep Ones go on a road trip!

“KAAAK!” croaks Magoth, pumping his arm out the driver’s side window.

“KROOOKOKOK!” shouts Digrak, as he slams the hatchback door.

“KAARG!” says Mundr, who brought snacks.

“ROAD TRIP!” hoots Sargok.

Pretty soon they figure out that the van doesn’t work in the nameless depths of G’ll-Hoo, so they try hitching. A passing rogue Cold War sub crewed by zombies agrees to take them most of the way to Malg Ur-hrn.

“YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME,” says Sargok, drunk on hideous liqueurs.

“когда вы будете делать нам минет?” says the zombie captain, impatiently.

Marla

Marla’s got the evening on a choke chain and autumn’s arm behind its back. The leaves are strangling on their branches, bruising brown and yellow. The sun’s flush with wallowed rage.

Campus: Latin for field, more specifically of battle. What did Caesar have that college doesn’t? Columns, lust and gluttony, blood on the grass and a knife in his back.

She’s knocking on the door now, tape tight around her knuckles. The Romans liked bloodsport, too. She’s ancient and aquiline, eyes blank as marble; she’s waiting for the Emperor’s thumb to turn. Marla’s no sadist. Pain isn’t pleasure: pain is pain.

Marv

“So warping space takes an impossible amount of energy, right?”

Eddie’s brow leaps. “Right. Are you doing Star Trek math again? Don’t waste your–”

“But warping the perception of space is easy,” says Marv. “I’m doing it right now. Learn by taking tests! Lower taxes, more revenue!”

“I’m not sure handwaving contradictory statements is the energy source of the future.”

“Perception is reality!”

Eddie sighs. “So what, you’re going to spin generators with this?”

“Nah. Put it in a spaceship, maybe,” muses Marv.

The newly christened SS Crabtree’s Bludgeon is halfway to Tau Ceti before they actually finish turning it on.

Proserpina

He shows her where the film feeds from its reel into the intricate wheels of the Kinetoscope, and holds the stock up before a single hot bulb to show her the nearly-identical frames.

“Now blink like this,” Elijah says, “that many times a second, and watch–”

His hand is on hers, cranking the handle; Corbett’s fist withdraws before her eyes, and Fitzsimmons’s head whips around.

“I should be getting back,” Proserpina says, at last and with regret.

“Come by Saturday,” he says.

“You know I can’t–”

“Say I kidnapped you.”

“They’d never believe,” she says dryly, “you won that struggle.”

Rooney

Rooney has grown old.

In thirty-five years he’s never stopped watching the boy, tracking each development in his curling scrapbook: his rise to frat president, entrepreneur, team owner, mayor. It’s all so horribly effortless. Chicago isn’t just eating from his hand, it’s hooked and strung out, begging for another hit.

Now Rooney watches the weekly parade march through downtown, Bueller cackling as a dozen underlings strain to pull his Ferrari. They say he’s got higher political ambitions, very soon. Governor. Senator. Maybe even–

Rooney was in the army; Rooney keeps his rifle clean. Rooney knows what he’s got to do.

Fannie

Fannie’s nose is bleeding, her cheek bruised and swollen; she eyes the door and tries furtively to saw through duct tape with the rusted edge of a broken pipe.

“This is your own fault,” Freddie says, digging through her purse. “The way you act, the way you looked at me–hell, you might as well have asked for it.” He pockets her cash, tosses the rest in the furnace, and grabs her hair to pull her close.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” he hisses.

“Wombat!” gasps Fannie.

“Come on!” Freddie wails. “You promised not to use the safeword!”