The hardest part about being a vampire is neither the running-water thing (easy enough to avoid in a swamp state) nor the garlic (a myth). It’s the techno. You have to listen to very angry techno or your teeth fall out.

“I dream about Kenny G sometimes,” says Gared wistfully, pitching his voice to carry over the endless 4/4 thump. “And not even in a subtly homoerotic way.”

“Can’t be helped,” says Endymion. “Techno is the closest we can get to a musical heartbeat.”

“I suppose you’re right,” sighs Gared. “More blood?”

“Of course!” says Endymion.

(Vampires love blood.)