“–similar to a sugar pill including nausea blurred vision and increased desire to gamble see our ad on health dot com,” finishes Zyrexitab, panting slightly and beaming at the class’s haphazard applause.

“Very good!” says the teacher. “Okay, has anyone not gone yet? Mirazinol? Apostrophex? Wait–yes, our newest classmate! Is it… Reggie?”

“Uh,” says Reggie, who’s been dreading this. “I can’t recite my disclaimer.”

The teacher smiles. “Don’t be shy!”

“No, I mean… I’m named after my grandfather. I don’t have a pharma patron.”

The whole class stares, then, as if cued. Rich boy, mouths one of them, accusingly silent.